It was 1986, I was a young 4 old sitting in the backseat of my dad’s 1985 Ford Bronco. I remember this day like it was yesterday. I still remember the street I was on, and over the years every time I’m at that exact intersection I think back on that day.
I remember sitting in the back seat of my dad’s Bronco as he was having a conversation with girlfriend at the time, and they were talking about a young boy who was my age who choked while eating peanuts and died. Something in my young brain was triggered but in that exact moment, fear took over.
I sat quietly in the backseat looking out the window just ruminating on what I heard. The remainder of the day and the next day was the same, just sitting at home thinking about that boy I never seen, or met, but knowing he choked and died. I thought it can happen to me, and I start to fear swallowing food.
Since this occurred over the weekend, I was scared to go to school that following Monday. I was in kindergarten at the time, and we used to each lunch in the classroom. I remember not being able to swallow my food so I spit everything into the garbage can. The teacher then looked inside the garbage can and thought one of the students threw up. She began asking everyone who threw up and I sat there quietly.
This fear went on for several weeks, and my dad took me to the doctor. The doctor didn’t know what to say.
This issue went on for another year or so, and during this time my separation anxiety also got worse. The only thing that would hold me together was a little pillow that my grandma made for me that I named Ped. Ped was my buddy, that got me through life as a young kid.
I was 3 years old when my mom left, so all I had was my dad and my dad’s side of the family. I didn’t have a parent to really give me reassurance. I was always a deep thinker and would ask random questions about life, the world, and other things that would make adults at the time say to me “you ask big questions”. I always lived in my own head, and when I would experience something bad, I think it would have a bigger impact on me because of how I was, being a deep thinker and over analyzing everything.
As the years went on my separation anxiety got worse, hypochondria started, and more. Fast forward a few years later, in 1993 the young boy who lived next door to my grandparents house passed away from cancer. It was the first time I went to a viewing, and that tore me up. All I could think about for months after that was “Its going to happen to me”. I think I missed half the school year because of that. Again, I didn’t have any support, so I would just stay home from school thinking about death.
Back in the 1980s and 1990s, mental health wasn’t a thing, so nobody knew what was going on with me. The only thing I could say to my dad was that “it’s in my head”. I remember him yelling at me, and asking me “what do I mean it’s in your head”. I couldn’t explain it, but looking back it was my thoughts that were tearing me up.
Then as life moved on, I got older and began experiencing other forms of anxiety that stuck with me for years.
Fast forward into adulthood, I thought I was getting better. Yes, I would feel “bits” or small periods of anxiety once in a while, but nothing too bad.
Then in 2008 I took a business trip to Guam. On the way to Guam my friend and former business partner stopped over in Honolulu. Growing up I spent my summer in O’ahu so Honolulu and the whole Island of O’ahu is very comfortable place for me. It was the only place I would travel to. Going to Guam was my first “far away travel experience”. So while in O’ahu for our overnight stopover, we met up with some friends and smoke some weed. I admit, I smoke tons of weed the years prior so I didn’t think much of it. But that night something was different. Something felt off. The next morning I woke up and still felt out of it. I never had that feeling.
So we got on our flight to Guam. We arrived like 9 hours later, and I remember when we arrived at our hotel there was a big globe in the lobby. The first thing I did was walk up to the globe and I started to spin the globe so I could see where I was at. I found Guam, and then I moved the globe to see how far I was from San Francisco. When I saw the distance, I went into a state of panic that I never experienced.
I went to my room and was sick to my stomach. On top of that I was jet lagged, dehydrated from not drinking much water on the flight and being in hot and humid place. It was terrible. I got a little sleep and the next morning while I was washing up I drank some water in the shower because I was thirsty. I was still extremely edgy and panicky and then I remember I felt like I had the flu. I started vomiting and all I wanted to do was leave and atleast get back to Hawaii. I couldn’t though, I was stuck out there for a few days. I ended up missing the event that I flew out there for. I remember calling my friend back home who is a doctor asking her if I’m okay and calling my wife (at the time was my girlfriend) and telling her that I’m having a rough time, and I need to leave and get back to Hawaii. Nobody could help me, only time. Finally it was the night before I was to head back home. I remember staying up all night just watching the clock. At 4am, I told my friend, let’s get out of here. We got back to the airport and got on my plane for Hawaii. When we landed in Honolulu, my anxiety felt like it was almost completely gone. After a short stopover we boarded our plane back to San Francisco. As we started making our descent into San Francisco International Airport, it felt like I never had anxiety. I was 100% good. Matter of fact when I arrived I went straight to a wedding, that’s how good I was.
While being back home, I started to feel and notice that the thought of going somewhere would trigger massive fear. So I started staying home. Places that I once went to easily became an obstacle. I would have to force myself and just drive because I didn’t tell my wife (girlfriend at the time) what I was experiencing.
Then a few months later, I proposed and we planned our wedding for August of 2009. Of course after a wedding you go on a honeymoon.
I remember my wife asking me where do you want to go. She was all excited. For me I showed excitement but inside was pure fear. I didn’t want to tell her what was going on so I didn’t say anything. We picked Jamaica and we booked it.
While flying to Jamaica, I was looking out the plane window and having flashbacks of flying to Guam. When we arrived in Jamaica, I was panicky but I kept myself composed. It was hard but I pushed through. While we were there, we met and became friends with other tourists at our resort and that helped make the trip easier.
A year later to celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary my wife booked us on a trip to Cozumel, Mexico. Again, I had the same fear and emotions both before leaving and upon arrival. I won’t get to deep into it here but during this trip, we did a day trip to the mainland of Mexico, where my wife and I were locked in a van and taken on a drug deal. I’ll write another blog about that experience. I mention that because I already have agoraphobia and then I’m taken on a drug deal. Talk about a hard time…it was all bad.
Then the following year my wife booked us for a trip to New York, Rome, and many other places.
It’s now 2026, and since then we’ve been to so many places. It’s never easy. Before any trip, I look up hospitals near the hotel, the quality of healthcare in the places I’m going to, and how fast can I make it back to Miami (If I’m in the Caribbean) or make it back home if I’m elsewhere.
Agoraphobia and my other forms of anxiety that I have now, and have experienced over the past years have been my hardest challenge in life. The good that came out of it is that I have been able to help so many people because I have gotten through life medication free. I’ve never once taken any medication that has been prescribed to me. The reason is that, I believe those medications will make me worse. Putting something foreign into my body will trigger anxiety. Plus all the side effects those things have. Here are the things that have helped me, that I have been sharing with other people:
1. Building things. When my mind is occupied building a new product, designing, or doing something creative, it’s natural medication. The thought of taking something to market or shooting an amazing photo and seeing the final results brings me joy.
2. Talking openly to others and sharing our stories. I’ve been to therapy, but talking it out with my peers, friends, or others going through the same thing has produced the best results.
3. Praying. I’m not going to push religion or the bible on anyone, but God has pulled through for me. Jesus and my Bible has been my everything. Every answer in life is there. I go to church every Sunday, and I love it.
4. Living in the moment and nothing thinking to far into the future or the past. Spending time with my wife and daughter brings me the greatest joy.
5. The ocean. I love the ocean so much. Being in or near the saltwater is my energy. Especially if I’m in a tropical location. I can’t explain it but I’ve been drawn to the ocean since I was a little guy.
6. I haven’t drank alcohol since my wedding in 2009 and haven’t touched weed since 2008 when I stopped over in Hawaii. I barely drink anything with caffeine. No coffee or tea with caffeine and very minimal soda with caffeine.
Those are just a few things that help me out. Now my bigger challenge is that not only do I have to fight through my mental health struggles every day but my young daughter is going through the same exact thing as me. I’m reliving my childhood anxiety all over again through her.
She’s on a 504 plan at school, something I never had and just like me, she’s going through it medication free. She’s doing better as she’s getting older, but she is the reason why I built Erly
She was struggling so much, and she would confide in her stuffed animal just like how I had my pillow, so I wanted to create something for her that would help her, help us as her parents, and her psychologist.
I won’t get too deep into my daughters struggles but she’s the reason why I’m doing what I do today. Along with that I still need to take care of myself. It’s not easy building a product and taking it to market while having my own mental health things going on, and supporting a child that is also going through the same. My wife deals with a lot!!
If you read this post, I hope it brings you some comfort that you’re not alone. Please connect with me if you feel I can help. You’re not alone. There are many people going through mental health struggles openly and privately. I choose to be open because I know my story and situation can help others, so please reach out if you’re struggling. I made it through 40 years of life with this. It made me who I am, and I’ll continue to move forward medication free, helping and serving others, so we can all thrive and live happy and happy lives.
This year I’m celebrating 40 years of living with anxiety medication free. It’s a bit weird to celebrate a terrible thing but, there were moments in my life when I wanted to give up. I see there many people out there who are going through hard battles. You got this. Remember, you’re not alone. Someone is willing to help. Reach out.
To hear me talk a bit about my life with anxiety check out the Maley Way Podcast link below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bD7Zb8Dccrc
Thank you for reading and I wish you all the best!
